Silent Night is my favorite song about my kids staying at their grandparent’s house.
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It’s crazy how you can be shopping in a hardware store and need help but can’t find a single employee to help you, then there are times when you don’t need help and five employees will pop up out of no where asking if you need help.
Every. Single. Time.
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I hate it when people show up at MY house, knock on MY door, and then ask me why I’m not wearing pants.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.