Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives

Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

I don’t understand the concept of “the man of your dreams”.

Every time my wife wakes up after dreaming about me, she is REALLY pissed off about something dream me did

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels

Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula

Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.

Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.

Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.

Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?

*puts on Band-Aid*

*bursts into flames*

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.

My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher

Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do

The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.

my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day

[elsewhere]

crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING

Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats

I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.

[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]

Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING

4 y/o: he died dad

Me: …

4 y/o: …

Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

My girlfriend’s car got stolen today, so if you see a man driving a dark green Honda Civic, PLEASE tell him I left some Skittles in there.