Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]

If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation

Pharmacist. There’s one particular cupboard in the pharmacy that is locked all the time with one lock & two padlocks. I’m the only person with the keys. The other staff all believe there are very serious drugs only I’m allowed to access in there. It’s actually my snack cupboard.

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi

[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta

Good News: You mean the world to me.

Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”

I’d like to speak to America’s manager.

Anyone under 6ft 4 who wants to use an umbrella in a crowd should have to do a course.

You’re more likely to die falling down a flight of stairs than from being attacked by a shark especially if I’m standing behind you.

I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.

Call me cute and I’ll bite your kneecap.

Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍

Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom

Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?

Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.

Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together

A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.

(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.

[restaurant]

Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when

Me: huh? why

Waiter: when means stop

Me: oh

Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other

Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other

My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭

Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?

Hockey puck:

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Me: I’ve lost my kitten

Cop: How would you best describe him?

Me: He looks like a miniature cat

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)

Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no