Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.

And now, we wait…

You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell

Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.

Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.

Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?

I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground

Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.

*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one

I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!

Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.

Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.

One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.

Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.

“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.

me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?

girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?

me: no girls allowed

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!

*points at baby*

Me: You gonna eat that?

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.

Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.