Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
My parents bought us candy cigarettes for my 11th birthday party. The store was out of candy syringes.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir