Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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A lot of people think that the funniest people are actually the most depressed on the inside but I have a comedian friend who’s pretty depressed and he’s one of the worst comedians I know
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
I always forget my reusable shopping bag when I go to buy some food. So I purposely put it in my bag this morning and forgot to go and buy the food
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem