Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You Might Also Like
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If looks could kill
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
My favourite movie romance is Keanu Reeves and Sandy Bullock in Speed because they meet by overcoming the greatest relationship hardship of all: when a woman is driving and a man is trying to give her directions
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
They did not miss in the small print
No one is more hated than those two people who start a standing ovation.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*