Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
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Ref: Call it in the air..
*flips coin*
Me: A QUARTER.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
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I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
what day is it?
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
How to get your man to do push ups:
1. do push ups in front of him wrong
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.