Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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My 9yo drew a picture of me throwing away their drawings which, ironically, is going to be the one picture I save.
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
There’s a couple that met at my wedding 2 years ago, I just found out they got married yesterday & I wasn’t invited…. Ungrateful people
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
It’s actually kind of funny that people pay any attention to beauty/skin/diet/fitness influencers who are in their 20’s. Like “what’s your secret??” Being 22. That’s their secret. If the kale salad exfoliation regimen still works after menopause THEN they might be on to something
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
God: [making trees]
Trees: yay
God: [making beavers]
Trees: nonononono
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything