Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
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[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
It’s adorable when my mom says “It’s your mom” on my voicemail like I’ve never heard her voice before.
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge