If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
My professor just told me that if we get a whiff of smoke it’s because another professor put the papers he was grading in the microwave to rid them of any chance of Corona Virus & then the papers caught on fire… I can’t make this stuff up people
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
“what’s something you’d tell your younger self?” you can have ice cream for dinner, nobody will stop you
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”