and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
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Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Meowchelangelo
Breaking news:
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
I appreciate the sun for always moving in the sky in a predictable way but I also respect the moon for just kind of doing whatever
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
oh no, steve’s working tonight