Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”

I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.

My wife punched me during sex last night. Probably a good idea that my mistress and I do it at her place next time.

On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!

Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏

Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*

Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.

Her: oh.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.

ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.

me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean

brain: probably will be good in a minute

me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month

worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years

Wife: We named you after Grandma

Me: Yes that was my idea!

Grandma: They all laugh at me at school

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶

Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber

Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.

be careful out there! #FiftyShadesOfGrey

Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!

Me: Soup

W: That’s Queso dip!!

M: Cheese soup

checking my bank account to see how ethical i want to be with my egg purchase

If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.

The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…

Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.

It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…

No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March

Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.

Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet

My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.

Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.

Cop: Again, license and registration please

Me: I read where psychologists are worried that after all this time in lockdown, people are going to have trouble adjusting to regular social interaction again. What do you think?

My couch:

Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.

Me: *Trying to let go of the past and live in the present.*

iPhone: Here are 20 slideshows of people who ruined your life.

Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?

Prince Charming: This is my real name

Doc: Right

Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*

Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!

Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady

Prince Charming:

Grumpy: Charming indeed

I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.