Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?

Ask Hugh Hefner.

I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.

KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin

Bear Family: what’s our cover?

KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.

I’m at that age where all my friends have husbands and babies and all I’ve got is time and money.

My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.

Very weird.

Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

*wraps present*

Ugh. Where are the gift tags? Whatever, I’ll remember who it’s for.

[20 minutes later]

Shit.

My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward

hey boy are you the sun because you were a big part of my life this summer but now i feel like i never see you

today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time

5: are there people coming tomorrow?

me: no why?

5: well you guys cleaned the house

My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.

I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team

[at 25yr class reunion]

Me: You haven’t changed at all!

Her: Hahaha, thanks

Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane

Customer spelling her name:

Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.

And this, kids, is why education is key.

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.

My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.

Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.

No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.

Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?

If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.

Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain