Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.

My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese

All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion

I’m not scared I’ll end up in an asylum after a breakdown. I’m scared someone will record it on their phone and I’ll end up on a GIF.

“So it’s sausages in a kind of fat pancake?”
“It’s called a Yorkshire Pudding”
“Ah, ok, so we’ll call it sausages in Yorkshire Pudding?”
“No, we’ll call it Toad in the Hole”
”Sorry what?”
“And we’ll call the dessert…”
“How about just steamed pudding?”
”…Spotted Dick”
“I see…”

He challenged me to eat just one chip.

So I had two. Dozen.

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.

what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese

Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-

Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why

Juliet: Well-

Romeo: So you’re asking why I am

Juliet:

Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom

my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….

me: *hits download*

Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.

the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”

WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes

[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.

Otters drive ottermobiles.

[my future self comes back in time]

HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years

ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.

584.

My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass

How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to

Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?

145 year old me: God, I’m fat

Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.

Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread

worst…sale…ever

I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.

“Scalpel.”

“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”

“If Affleck can be Batman…”

“Fair enough. Scalpel.”