Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

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I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.


Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.


[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?


Whoever just called my mom 3 minutes after she called me

You are a God!


I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.


Just heard a Mexican guy sneeze with an American accent. Whoa, just whoa


[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”


If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.


I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.


I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.