@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

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@ch000ch

hoarder on TV: pls help me doc
therapist: of course. lets start by throwing out all these anime posters. we’ll take them to my car

@2questionable

Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.

@AndrewChamings

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”lilgapeach30″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3529105583/bc5c0d35511cba165b39e5feb01cf6b5_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”324965949398712322″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”52″;s:5:”tweet”;s:132:”Think I’m gonna use. random punctuation? in all my tweets from now on! You know-test the e card creators! and tweet thief’s grammar:”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@NintenDom

It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.

@EllaZee5

‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’

Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.

@ccconnecticunt

Note to self: Don’t wear a skirt when getting a pedicure. Also, wear underwear.

@boring_as_heck

Crime rates are down 100% after President Obama made it illegal to do crimes. “I don’t know why we didn’t think of this before,” he said.