Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete

dracula: vie

me: for a crossword puzzle

“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken

ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”

Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁

Twitter pretty please next to a trending name add a label like “died” or “said something racist” or “is all good, just celebrating a birthday.”

Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?

One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

Me: I did a line!

Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo

Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what

Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?

i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad

Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.

someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS

I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”

Wife: OMG, stop saying that. You’re embarrassing me. You’re a waiter at a BBQ restaurant.

Me: I’ll thank you to refer to me as a porking attendant.

Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.

I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby

Ginny Weasley: so like what are we?

Harry Potter: [slowly reaches for invisibility cloak]