Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
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The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
dril cadence
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Me: It’s not often that a single guy like me gets a home cooked meal.
Her: Why don’t you get married?
Me: I’ve never been that hungry.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Mountain Goat : )
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
the real reason howl kept his castle moving was tax evasion
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup