Similar to how tennis has different surfaces, swimming should have different liquids i. e. 50m chowder, 100m Greek yoghurt, relay spf 50 sun block
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her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
sometimes i miss this memes
thanksgiving in nutshell
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.
my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.