my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
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POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
A couple who are silly together stay together.
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
FOOL-PROOF PICKUP LINE:
you’re tall for a woman
[she gets real mad right here]
*place hand on hers*
but the perfect height for an angel
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Told my boss at work I had three companies looking at me and asked for a raise, so of course out of curiosity she asked me which three companies.
Managing to keep a straight face I told her Gas, Water, and Electric.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through