Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Therapist: let’s work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
This happened in my sink by accident and it looks like I’m trying to cast a spell to summon soup
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
I always thought it was strange that Peter Parker works as a photographer…
Shouldn’t he be working in web design?
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
If y’all see a mushroom cloud over north Mississippi don’t worry it’s just me burning all the Amazon boxes.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.
The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.