FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
M: I wish I was a baller
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.