Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.