When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.
Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”
Doctor: Your baby is 7 pounds!
Me: So that’s like, what, three dollars?
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.