@jimmytorosian

Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends

You Might Also Like

@TheTweetOfGod

When the sun explodes you will have eight minutes before the world ends. In a related story, you might want to order dessert now.

@est1975blog

I never knew my son was 80 years old until he told me to text our neighbor because “his leaves are getting on our lawn.”

@GrandadJFreeman

There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!

@MauriceBlitz

Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.

@Marcmywords2

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

@dougbies

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

@9woodMac

For the people who made fun of me in elementary school for being too tall for a girl, I managed to get the last pack of #toiletpaper on the top back shelf while everyone else didn’t even notice it. So screw all of you! Being tall is awesome! #littlevictories

@AmoNickk

I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.