Simon: I wrote a song
Garfunkel: *reads lyrics*
Garfunkel: “I am a rock. I am an island” dude I’m like right here. I thought we were friends
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I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up– squirrels
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
We like the way Dwight thinks
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
*breaks into a McDonald’s at 2:00 am*
*fixes the ice cream machine*
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea