*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
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A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Cop lights are so pretty at night
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
Old age is when you need your glasses to find your glasses.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
I like to think I didn’t lose a girlfriend, instead I gained an enemy.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
I think Lady Gaga just puts glue on herself and rolls around on random things.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
[phone rings]
ME: Hello?
MOM: Are you watching the news?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Channel 2?
ME: Yes.
MOM: Bring a jacket anyway.
It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.