*simone doing her vault with an insane height*
german commentator: “usually only snoop dogg is this high”
You Might Also Like
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
In current news:
US: Stop that
Middle East: Stop what?
US: That
Middle East: This?
US: Yes that
Middle East: This?
America: OMG STAAAHP
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
Eating at restaurant with Mom after her doc appointment when phone rings
Me: *phone rings* Hello? Okay. I’m not at my laptop so I can’t answer you but don’t worry—I’m eating an ice cream sundae about it right now.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
one thing i can’t get over about the quiet place movies is how these monsters are attracted to the sound of a pin dropping but they make the craziest loudest noises at literally all times. how do they not spend all their screentime chasing their own tails
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.