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Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Approx 4,500yrs ago men would wake up everyday to build the great pyramid. I got up this morning with anxiety about unloading the dishwasher
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Me: I’m way tougher than you.
Wife: I gave birth twice without an epidural.
Me: So?
Wife: You called in sick for an ice cream headache.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist