Simple
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High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
the answer was staring at me all along
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
👽
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
When my cat gets in trouble I call him by his full name, Catthew.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
Monica just destroyed the internet
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Thanks for nothing autocorrect, I’m never gonna get chicks being a “homeless romantic”.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.