Simple
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Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?