Simple enough.
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“I am almost there, keep your computer on”, windows updates probably.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
me hooking up with my ex
My father claims there’s nothing like being independent and yet he hasn’t washed a dish since 1975.
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
If I win the lottery, no one around me will be broke, and I truly mean that. I will move to a wealthy neighbourhood.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Saying ‘better luck next time’
is apparently frowned upon at a funeral.
The more you know..
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”