The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
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My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Tomorrow is Jesus’ birthday. I got him an Xbox. Keeping it at my house until I see him.
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
*Giving TED talk*
Me: *points at guy* sir, reach under your chair!
*he does and a mousetrap snaps*
Me: trust no one
*audience claps*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
her: [texts something funny]
me: [types hahahaha]
me: [stares at it]
me: [deletes one ha]
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.