Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
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What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
Sorry for the way I acted at your dad‘s funeral. I just thought it was a little rude that he was wearing the same outfit as me.
There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
The MCU should introduce an evil version of Mjölnir that you can only lift if you’re a total jerk.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
I told my 5yo to brush her teeth so she doesn’t get cavities and she responded with, “so what they’re gonna fall out anyways.” I had no comeback to this.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Who knew!
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!