Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
You Might Also Like
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Me [hopping on twitter]: man there is some stupid shit on here
Also me: I wonder how I can contribute
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
caveman inventor: i just invented the wheel
caveman opinion writer: here’s how the wheel is a bad idea for mankind
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner
Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
Its true…
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Yeah, but is it ILLEGAL illegal?
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.