Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
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I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
is this how new cars are made??
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
MAGICIAN: can you pass me my top hat?
MAGICIAN’S ASSISTANT: what’s the magic word?
MAGICIAN: *sigh* can you abracadabra pass me my top hat?
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
Instead of “Take Your Child To Work Day” there should be a “Take Your Therapist To Work Day” so they can see exactly what you’ve been talking about