simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
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To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.
I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
[while titanic is sinking]
me: [mouth full of shrimp at the buffet] I can’t believe no one is eating these lol
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
Me: [first person to scratch my nails against a chalkboard]
Wife: STOP THAT
Me: Why?
Wife: It’s like…
Me: It’s like what
Wife: It’s definitely like something
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Why do they call it the good book and not the almighty wrighty?
family: we’re having ground turkey this year
me: okay but how do you know that turkey couldn’t fly
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
[Arriving in Hell]
*Satan hands me a phone where every app has notifications but no matter how many times I try to clear them the red dots just won’t go away*
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
O Wise One….
