simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
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Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
Air Canada says 20,000 mobile app users have been affected by a data breach. On the upside, the hackers might know where your lost luggage is.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
it isnt your fault that you are unhappy and unsuccessful. in my 6 week online course i will teach you the true reason why your life is bad: a witch cursed you with “misery orb” at birth. i will show you how to locate and extract the orb from your brain using household items
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
Facebook marketplace is a different world
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
Me: I’ve been seeing spots lately.
Daughter: Have you seen a doctor?
Me: No, just spots.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
#LaborDay
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
[God creating lizards]
God: How about a snake with arms and legs?
Snake: [trys to throw its arms up in disgust, but just remains very still]
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”
