simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
You Might Also Like
BREAKING: Justin Bieber expresses interest in being baptized. Over 4 million people volunteer to hold his head under water.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[hotel]
me: do you offer turndown service
concierge: sorry no
me: thank you
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
I don’t really like pie, but I will still eat six pieces to be polite.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.