sin harder.
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I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Every time I raise my arm a little, a falcon lands on it. It was super-cool at first, but now I’m starting to get annoyed.
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
[First Date]
Me: I can’t believe we’re on a date! It’s not cause my fathers rich is it?
Him: No. He’s very handsome too
Me: CHECK PLEASE
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
I like to listen to the national anthems during the award ceremonies. I’m into country music.
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
A customer told me they were never coming back….
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate