sin harder.
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Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
When it comes to gifts, I’m easy to buy for. I want what every woman wants: a domesticated raccoon that is willing to assist me with petty crimes.
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Tower: Where are you, pilot?
Pilot: I’m over Cologne.
Tower: Your pungent odour has not gone unnoticed, but where are you?
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*