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@alldrolledup

A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD

@humanwarnings

The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.

@JeffMyspace

Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?

@Hobo_Splendido

Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.

@SalmaElWardany1

Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.

@NotGoodEthan

“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*

@david8hughes

[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]

@Chicken_Hawk38

Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.

@TheAlexNevil

*prospective pet owner interview

Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?

@PlainTravis

My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.