A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
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The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
“IN THIS CORNER.. DWAYNE “THE ROCK” JOHNSON”
*the rock beats chest*
AND IN THIS CORNER… RYAN “PAPER” WALLACE
*the rock is visibly nervous*
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Just saw a Christmas tree drive by with a Smart Car strapped to the bottom of it.
*prospective pet owner interview
Dog (suspicious): Uh huh. And what exactly do you want from me in exchange for this “food” and “shelter”?
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.