Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Beyonce was Destiny’s Child. The other two were adopted.

Mother’s maiden name: Mom
Mother’s first name: Mom
Mother’s last name: Mom

Why do they even asks such dumb questions?

“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.

I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal

You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.

Neighbor: can you watch my dog?

Me: like through your window?

N: no, I meant like-

Me: cause I don’t do that now

N: watc-

Me: okay once

If you run out of coffee while someone is telling you a long story, you should be able to reach out, grab the coffee that person is holding & start drinking it, too.

May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean

Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading

Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP

Me: I’m woke

Kids: How woke?

Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.

ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*

DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR

Trying

*dents another car while parking*

*leaves note under windshield wiper*

“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”

Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.

Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.

…The end.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy

Parents: omg yes

I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.

Teacher: welcome to health class

Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?

Teacher: sir please just mop the floor

I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.

Me: You say all the right things.

Her: I didn’t say anything.

Me: Shhh Don’t ruin this for me.

me: before you hire me, you should know i take things

interviewer: like what?

me: time and care

interviewer: oh haha

me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits

I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.

If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.

– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.

I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation

WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again

Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.