Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
When can I start eating bats again.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Smallpox sounds so adorable
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!
[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Me: Can you explain your haircut?
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“ANYWAY” — me when I’m about to keep talking about the thing I’ve been talking about for the last ten minutes
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles