Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store

I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.

Stop talking trash about marine life!

Sharks are POWERFUL

Whales are GENTLE

Crabs are RESOURCEFUL

Jellyfish are PEACEFUL

Dolphins

Octopi are VERY SMART

This looks nothing like what I ordered…

WTF is this????

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”

i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.

“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.

just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4

[road trip]

DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.

Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.

[first day as EMT]

Me: *checks pulse*

Victim’s wife: well?

Me: *shakes head*

Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head

Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”

I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.

Then I get kicked out.

[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.

Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES

If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”

“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”

It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?

Oldest kid: [Sick]

Youngest kid: [Sick]

Wife and me: [Staring each other down]

Wife: [Sneezes]

Me: Hahaha there can only be one-

Wife: [Sneezes on me]

*LIGHTHOUSE*

BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*

My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.

Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.

4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!

Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!

Like I’d ever share my wine with her.

A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall