Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Call me crazy, but the last person who did is still in a full body cast, so it’s up to you.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
All right then, keep your secrets
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Pardon me while I slip into something a little more… unconscious.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.