Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
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Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla-Me as a teacher
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Mother’s Day: Ideally, the one holiday I don’t personally have to handle.
The Reality: “Mom, where’s the tape? Wrapping paper? How do you spell ‘mother’?”
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
Me: *wakes up to pee at 4:30*
My brain: Oh good, you’re awake!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.