My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
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Babies are like tattoos. They’re yours forever and maybe wait a few days before posting pictures of them so they’re not all gross looking.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*watches soccer*
*has to pee*
*watches soccer*
*gets up to pee*
*misses goal*
:/
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Nice try, poison.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.
#polloftheday
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO