Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds
I think this might be relevant today.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
never forget
I’m never leaving this app.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
i got lost and locked in a stairwell at the NYC office and all i can think about is this meme while i wait for someone to save me
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Putting the humidifier on high because I have guests coming over and I don’t want them to know how dry I live.
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food