Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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Stages of beard length:
1.) sexy stubble
2.) sea captain
3.) prisoner of war
4.) homeless person
5.) wizard
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
If you haven’t told your kids that wine is made out of whiny children then congratulations I guess you’re a better parent than me.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
my friend taps me on the shoulder and whispers “you might not think your face conveys how much you hate this, but i need you to know it does”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
The best shot in the history of golf
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I don’t know which is worse, people stealing your tweets or people not stealing your tweets.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist