Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
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Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
I laughed at this way too hard.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If history has taught us anything, it’s that fascism has always been fought against too quickly and too violently
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Me: Can you get the things you want to take to Manchester?
8yo: *Goes to her room and returns with seven books*
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican