Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
a restaurant that rubs your shoulders while you eat mashed potatoes
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
A nutritionally complete chocolate milkshake-like substance should be piped into every home at the municipal level. You could still cook or go out for fun, but if you were feeling lazy, or you were impoverished, you could simply consume The City Meal directly from the tap.
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
I saw The Blair Witch Project way too young and it made me afraid of projects
🥴😂
Still laughing at this stupid meme
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you