Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
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Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
Am I flattered when a man hits on me? Yes, but I also saw that same man whispering sweet nothings to a piece of pecan pie the other day, so not too flattered.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise