Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My doctor told me I needed a brain MRI.

My wife assured me they wouldn’t find anything.

I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.

HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?

Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.

Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.

me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?

therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat

me: the what

Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.

I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it

Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.

😂🍻

Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.

Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”

Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.

*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic

gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️

Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”

I’m thinking about giving up sugar.

Ok. I’m done thinking about it.

Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.

we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip

*Inspirational Tweets*

Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.