Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
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THERAPIST: In healthy relationships, couples aren’t afraid to ask questions in the bedroom
ME (having sex): babe what’s the capital of azerbaijan?
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.