Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
I’ve got a great sense of humor *closes eyes and tilts head slightly upward* yes. there is humor nearby. 40, no, 50 yards from here
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
If a centaur wins a wrestling match, does he wear his belt
Like this Or this
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
i’ll never forget what my Grandad said to me just before he kicked the bucket
“Grandson…
how far do you think I can kick this bucket?”
My 7yo said if she ever gets married she wants to have a pajama-themed wedding, and I feel like my parenting has come to fruition.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
We loved to call random numbers and say “I think your dog is on my porch.” If we got somebody who said “I don’t have a dog” then we would yell I DON’T HAVE A PORCH and hang up.
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces