Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.

Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row

[High School Reunion]

Him: I started my own Law Firm last year

Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story

You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.

Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please

Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.

[driving home in silence]

me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy

gf: they were lowering his coffin

As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.

In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.

I love texting my boyfriend

You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.

Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.

Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.

[child gets stuck in claw machine]

Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”

Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲

It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.

One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matches

Cashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”

*wine
*tampons

Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”

Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise

Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?

Doctor: sure

Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never

I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.

Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000