Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
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Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
the simulation is moving too fast
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Every BBC series about the universe.
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster