Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
You Might Also Like
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Might run for office so everyone can see how skinny I was back in college.
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
My birthstone is pecan pie.
Sorry if I smell weird. I touched an old sponge last week
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
OH. COME. ON.
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
i would not return the monkeys, I would simply inexplicably have 43 new ugly little children
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
one time on mushrooms i decided i should be living off nuts & seeds like a little squirrel, so I went to Whole Foods and blew my whole paycheck on nuts & seeds. then all week I had no money and DID have to live off nuts & seeds, and let me tell you I WAS SO WRONG. it sucked
I’m not sure but I think the family from Honey Boo Boo is just a family of bears that were shaved down and shown how to shit indoors.