Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*

me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.

a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)

I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.

All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

for all #parents out there

I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.

Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.

Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit

Nicholson: You want answers?!

Cruise: I want the truth!!

Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!

Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?

[getting a number at a bar]

girl: 1-235-813-2134

Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.

i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly

nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed

[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!

Me: I do not!

Him: prove it

Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*

[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win

“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.

THEM: are you willing to take a drug test

ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down

“thank you for choosing Amtrak” no problem there are no other trains

ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences

WARDEN: no

Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there

sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting

I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂