Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.

Other than that, Carrie, how was the prom?

How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?

Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”

Average age of billionaires: 65

Average age of billionaires in books: 35

Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.

The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.

My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL

In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.

Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.

Him: Do you gamble?

Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.

First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves

First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit

Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?

Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.

Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad

Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues

Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

[Invention of Tennis]

“…and you just try to hit it back to me”

Wow, that’s really simple

“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”

For sure that’s the best part about it

“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”

Exactly! No weird stuff

“Yeah”

So how do you keep score?