BARTENDER: the usual?
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
You Might Also Like
A watched pot never boils but a pot left unattended burns. So you see my dilemma.
I always keep a google search for “how to find anyone, anywhere, and kill them” open on my phone in case anyone steals it.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
Hurricanes, famine, disease, war crimes, child molestation, political corruption. And Jesus appears to mankind on a slice of toast.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
I get bi with a little help from my girl friends.
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different