Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
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Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
My parents kept me humble from a young age by sarcastically asking “How do you think you’re paying for that, with your good looks?”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
Cop: Can you explain how you got here?
Me: My parents had sex and then 9 months later I was born
Cop: Oh got a wise guy here *grabbing notebook* so the stork story is bullshit?
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
FINE, I WON’T.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’