Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?

It’s not 13.

The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

Most of my Biology exams were Bio D Gradeable.

I’ll let myself out.

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.

So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?

If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.

In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine

The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.

I get a bunch of targeted ads asking me to donate my sperm. and I’m down as long as they don’t use it for making babies.

[first day as a waiter]

customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??

me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it

“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”

2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”

We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.

Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.

Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.

My home pregnancy test came back negative.

I guess my house is just getting fat.

sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.

Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call

if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.

My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.

Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.

The best part about sleeping alone is not having to share my blanket or rotisserie chicken

Me: Clean your room.
Daughter: Won’t
Me: Do your homework.
Daughter: Can’t
Me: I’m taking your phone then.
Daughter: DON’T

16 years later & the contractions are still coming every 10 seconds

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this

brain: even people who know you?

me: oh god no