Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
You Might Also Like
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Child: Turkey pancakes?!
Me: I also have turkey hash, turkey sausages, and make sure you drink your turkey nog.
Wife: I told you the bird was too big
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?