Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.

first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him

SPOILER ALERT for “Finding Bigfoot” TV show – they don’t find him. Again.

if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in

If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?

Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda

Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.

Another perk of being a music teacher…

My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”

I hate it when baby boomers are like “your generation is too sensitive!”. Like ok, Gail, I’m not the one writing 8 paragraph Yelp reviews because the restaurant was painted a color you didn’t like.

why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?

[coffee shop]

ME: [hanging up a flyer for my band]

CUTE GIRL: Is that your band?

ME: No it’s a flyer

[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!

[storming out of the bedroom in a novelty banana costume] YOU’RE THE ONE THAT SAID THINGS WERE GETTING TOO PREDICTABLE KAREN…

Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair

[In a cucumber submarine]

1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain

Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle

me: lmao i saw it on twitter

them: what’s your twitter

me: i don’t have twitter

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips

For being the most motivated sperm,

Some of us have really tapered off.

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*

[working at prison coffee shop]

I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business

One of the most fastest seahorses was Landbiscuit

My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.

Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire

if it wasn’t for the internet, I wouldn’t even know the royal family exists outside of Bugs Bunny cartoons. Like when Yosemite Sam is a knight in a suit of armor and he does that pole vault into the side of the castle and he turns into a can of tuna? Man that’s pretty great.