Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

The guy at the Christmas tree place was pretty aggressively trying to upsell me so I said ‘calm down Spruce Lee’ and oooh boy could that kid roundhouse kick

It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.

American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!

Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?

Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.

Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.

’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.

If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae

Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller

My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.

I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.

Me after TurboTax asks me to confirm I’ve reviewed all of the documents (I don’t understand anything)

Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?

…and send

“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”

Mummies are just super modest zombies

I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.

You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.

These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.

*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT

I hate starting new relationships . I gotta act like I ain’t crazy for two months.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is

The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.

Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.

Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!

Hostage 1: No!

Hostage 2: Please! No!

Me: So…who gets to be the front?

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”