Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
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Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
[at the bank]
Him: Here is some literature on how to invest in your child’s future
*watching my son getting ready to put my car key into an electrical socket*
No thanks.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it