Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.

These are too funny not to post 😂

The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕

Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”

Twitter: lol, you said “came”.

GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.

I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.

Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed

[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.

*acts sassy*

*flips hair*

*walks into a wall*

Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple

Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back

ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal

WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me

[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.

Elon Musk: Inhabiting Mars is the only hope we have of saving the human race

Jesus: LOL

Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here

Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?

[building on fire]

ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary

CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday

ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION

Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.

“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”

What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?

E-Lawn

If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.

When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter

5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.

Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.

Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!

*Writes a song for you*

*Sings it under your bedroom window*

*You call the cops*

*Your husband falls in love with me*

“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet