Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
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DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
There’s a word in modern Hungarian slang, egérmozi, which describes watching films (or shows) on your phone. It means “mouse cinema”
What’s the different between Black Eyed Peas and Chick Peas?
Black Eyed Peas can sing us a song.
Chick Peas can hummus one.
I have so many mistakes. It’s hard to choose a favourite.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Had to submit my CV for something and they asked why there was a three month gap between finishing school and starting university lol
me:
Can I count on you?wife:
Of course, always.(sits on her lap)
me:
One…two…three…four…
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
If the first thing you do in the morning is checking your emails, you’re starting your day with other people’s problems
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
worst…sale…ever
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no