since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
You Might Also Like
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
Traveler’s camo
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Boss I didn’t win Powerball please ignore previous text. I WILL be in today & everybody should NOT get fucked
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher