since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
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Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
BELLHOP: May I take care of your bags?
ME: Of course!
BELLHOP: [gently applies seven layers of concealer under my eyes]
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
this article brought to you by lions
Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.
My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
Me: “Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?”
Wife: “Well, what does it say on it?”
Me: “Buffalo Sabres.”
Wife: “You’re an idiot”
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Walk slow and never assume the automatic door will open.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
If Wile E. Coyote and the Roadrunner taught me one thing it’s that when someone is mildly annoying you should devote the remainder of your life to destroying them.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.