Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
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My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Get lost in the experience, not the park.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf